To You

I went to Todd and Allison's for dinner tonight. My uncle Mark was there too; he's in Salt Lake for business. Of all my uncles, I've never felt very close to Mark. Our personalities are quite different, and sometimes he made me uncomfortable with all of his outgoing craziness. But tonight was different. I felt like I could confide in him. I could tell him what I disliked about Utah: the weather, the bubble, the lack of diversity. He told me about work and we watched youtube. And when he drove me back to Provo it wasn't weird at all; no awkward pauses, no uncomfortable stares. We talked about church things as though he were still active. I would have told him about you if he'd asked. And he said he's writing a novel set in Utah.

As he explained his novel to me in the car, driving down Provo canyon in the dark and the snow, I realized he is a lot like me. He's gone through some really hard things, and it seems that he tries to work them out through the novel. I don't think he does it intentionally, and it isn't why he started writing. But some of the experiences in his life -- memorable experiences, hard experiences -- are placed in his book, and I don't think they're chosen at random. My family has so much potential but also has a lot of hurt. So many difficulties I never realized that don't seem fair. But maybe it's because they are so great. We are not given trials too much for us to bear. Maybe we are capable of bearing a lot. We have.

Maybe that's part of the reason I connect well with them. I was sitting on the couch next to Mark, totally comfortable just being there with these people I love. I love them because they are intelligent. I love them because they are funny. I love them because they are kind and genuine and they care about the world. But I must also love them because they suffer. I empathize with them. When they struggle, I do too. I can feel their pain. And no matter what they do, no matter how many mistakes they make, I will still love them. Because they are my family. And even though I feel like everyone has left me, all my friends and all the people I trust, I still have my family. I will always love them and they will always love me. I can talk to them about everything. School and work and church and friends. My loneliness. My pain. Everything. I am loved. I am not alone. I will always have my family.