independence

I wonder if we are ever totally satisfied with who we are and what we are doing.

I'm about to begin my fourth semester at Brigham Young University. I am sitting on my couch in the apartment; the heat is at 74 and Jamie is doing laundry (again). I've had mixed feelings about this semester. My roommate is off to Spain, so I'm living with someone I have never met. My work and school schedules don't quite fit as I'd like them to, and I have to give up some things that are important to me to make it work. I despise the cold weather. My family is far away, again, and that is always hard for me. And all of my boys have been leaving slowly for the past six months, the last of which will head out in 10 days. That has been rough, and sometimes I haven't handled it well. I did a lot of crying my last week at home, and told my dad I didn't want to come back. And yet, I am at peace here.

I like school. I like learning things, and I love my English Language classes. They help me accept my nerdiness, of which I have an abundance. I like being busy. Sometimes it's nice to just sit and relax, but if I had too much free time I would not be happy. Plus, I work better under pressure with too much to do. I like the people I have met. In my classes, my apartment, my neighbors, old friends, professors. They have all helped me in some small way to define my self. And as much as I miss my family, I like living by myself. I like choosing how I spend my time and organizing my own schedule and being accountable to me. Independence. Eventual self-reliance.

I realized on the flight out here that I have changed more than I imagined. People always talk about changing so much at college, but after 3.5 semesters, I didn't feel like I had. I felt the same to me. I think maybe I'm just becoming more of my self; I'm learning how to be comfortable with who I am and the way my life is going. I do what I have to do, and I get satisfaction from knowing that I have done my best. I know that some things are going to be really, really hard, and that sometimes I will have to be completely on my own -- a scary thought for me. But I think I can do it now. I never had enough confidence in myself before. I'm growing up, something I never wanted to do. But it's not so bad. I'm better at it than I ever thought I would be.

Things will work out.